Perception

Life goes on… With or without the ones you love, the ones you need, the ones you want. 

Life is ruthless. 

There is no mercy.  

It is no-holds-barred.

Life is hard.

Life will beat you down.

It…will…rip people away from you without notice, without reason, without batting an eyelash.

Life gives you people to love, care for, look forward to seeing everyday. 

Then it rips them from you like a baby from its mother’s womb.

The nastiness of life is bittersweet.

It’s sweet because it gives you people to love, care for and look forward to seeing everyday.

It’s sweet because each second is a blessing, a gift, a wonderful decadent piece of chocolate.

Life can be as beautiful as it is ugly.

Life is wonderful I’m the sense that sometimes if you are lucky it gives you a person to share it with, to grow old with, to have a children with.

It’s all how you choose to perceive your path.

I choose to live.  

I choose to live each second like it’s my last.

I choose to love fiercely without restraint.

I choose to love every person that comes into my life for a lifetime.  Regardless of who they are, who they love, what they look like or what they stand for.

Every person is sent to you for a reason.

Cherish them and every moment you get with them and don’t let a jaded Perception ruin your own.

Loss of life entirely to soon :(

Some rather sad news this evening.  A local boy my kids were friends with died of a rare form of cancer.  He loved…lived…for 2 years with this cancer while his parents made him undergo experimental treatment after experimental treatment.

My kids keep asking me… “Why wouldn’t God hell him?”

I thought about it for a moment and this is how I responded.The best I could tell them was….

“That he did heal him, for over 2 years God kept him alive, he had a terminal cancer, he should have been gone in less than 6 months.  Not for this little guys sake though, but for him to help lead people to Jesus and to help his family learn to cope with the loss they will now face”

…. Maybe that will help them deal with the loss, maybe it will help them at school when consoling their friends. 

I can only hope… Please remember this family in your thoughts and prayers.  I can’t possibly imagine losing one of my kids.


Saturday’s Post

So right now I’m just getting totally overwhelmed.  My youngest was promoted in ballet… This means my Wednesdays are now going to be bouncing from one place to another in the span of an hour in different directions. 

It means my baby isn’t a baby!  (Crocodile tears are spilling over my lashes). 

It means my baby, she has a special gift and I can’t deny her the privilege of persueing it, ever.  

It means I have to start letting go… As I am shaking my head from side to side… Screaming no no no no no…

These are tremendous steps for me to take and I am choking back tears trying not to be overwhelmed.

…… I wrote this Saturday and thought I posted it… Guess I didn’t so I will now so that it isn’t in limbo.

Update on my coffee intake… I’ve cut back to two cups every morning and keeping up with my DDP Yoga.  (This is my positive note for this post.)

Extra Frumpy with a side of Grumpy

Extra…super…stressed the frig out….seriously everything is grinding my nerves.  I’ve been trying to maintain my persona but it seems my facade is fading fast.  

My kids are pushing buttons with their snotty little attitudes because something doesn’t go their way.  Random people in traffic are suffering from the wrath of my horn.  Yoga isn’t working, it’s just making my body hurt.  Ive tried meditating….all I see is angry me breaking stuff.

I don’t know what’s going on with my head or why I’m stressing out so bad right now.  Is it because my kids constantly fight?  Isn’t that normal kid behavior?  Is it because they are always whining?  Don’t all kids do this?  So we’ve established normal children behavior, right?

So then what?  Is it money?  Maybe? But we just had a payday.  

Is it to much caffeine?  I had a whole pot yesterday…and a green tea latte for supper.  

I bet it is my caffeine intake…

What are the negative side affects of caffeine?

“The Mayo Clinic state that consuming more than 500-600 mg of caffeine a day may lead to insomnia, nervousness, restlessness, irritability, an upset stomach, a fast heartbeat and even muscle tremors. However, previous research has linked even moderate amounts of caffeine to negative health effects.”Oct 28, 2015

(Caffeine: how does it affect our health? – Medical News Today)

So basically I’m going to trial an error this shatty mood I’ve maintained for the last 3 days.  I’m going to try and cut back caffeine first.  It specifically says it can cause irritability.  I think I’m the poster child for that right now.

So below will be my guidelines:

“Up to 400 milligrams (mg) of caffeine a day appears to be safe for most healthy adults. That’s roughly the amount of caffeine in four cups of brewed coffee, 10 cans of cola or two “energy shot” drinks. Although caffeine use may be safe for adults, it’s not a good idea for children.”

(Caffeine: How much is too much? – Mayo Clinic)

Ideas for making up being grumpy with my kids?  Maybe movies, or movie night with popcorn and hot chocolate after school.  I could clean their rooms for them, but would that show them I’m sorry or show them they don’t have responsibilities.  I’m laughing at myself now…I’m making parenting to hard.  

I think ice cream will be a good “I’m sorry” for being frumpy, it is all on mommy.

Any ideas?  I’m open to them!

I don’t want my kids growing up thinking they done something wrong, because mommy gets stressed out.  My mom done that to my brother and I, her mom done it to her.  My mom was awesome, except when she put to much on her plate.  Then she was grumpy.  I don’t want to be that way.

So my checklist for today:

 4 cup of coffee

 Do something sweet for my kiddos

 Do something positive 

 Think in a more positive way
I think I can do these seemingly small tasks.  I will be sure to write about it if I have any issues arise.

Life is Hard

Life is hard.  Plan and simple.  It’s hard being married, it’s hard being a parent, it’s hard being an adult child with aging parents, everything about my life is hard.  

Why can’t it be easy?  Why can’t I have this post card feeling about my life?  It’s a daily struggle to deal with everything that goes on around me, I feel like I’m going to just shut down and never reboot.

My kids constantly argue, my husband gives me whiplash with his mood swings, my friends are constantly complaining about everything wrong in their lives, I worry obsessively over bills, and kids, my weight.  I’m not morbidly obese, but that is hereditary.  I guess you would say I’m average to a bit overweight.  I don’t know how.  I don’t eat fast food, I don’t drink caffeine (except coffee in mornings), I drink tons of water, and I eat a healthy diet.  I did start DDP Yoga yesterday to try and find some median of peace in exercising. 

I hear people talking about unwinding.  How the heck do you do that?  Honestly, I have no idea.  How?  Someone tell me how?  How do you live for the moment and not stress about tomorrow?  That’s my million dollar question.  I can sit here and be stressing over what I’m doing right now and be thinking about a hundred things for the next day which in turn causes me to have super high anxiety.  A viscous evil circle that seems to be never ending.

I don’t know how much more I can handle before I have a nervous breakdown.  Like, seriously….I’m broken.

Reflections and Eavesdropping?

Is it considered rude if your eavesdropping produces a positive outcome?

I was antiquing as I find it a pleasant hobby for my stress, to go and look at items from the past.  To hold them, to wonder where they have been, sat or what type of home the items were in.  It occupies my mind and allows me to wonder.  However on this particular occasion my wondering was ceased by an elderly man.  

He was on the phone with his wife, complaining about something, I really tried to not listen to his conversation.  I know how most people would feel about it, especially myself, if I were speaking in hushed tones and some nosey girl started listening to my conversation!

I ventured on a few feet and made my way to the front to leave.  I had found some nice pieces of agate stuffed back in behind some old armoire.  Can’t pass that up when you love where I do and can’t find it naturally.

So as I am waiting for the proprietor to join me I hear a phone ring, it’s the elderly man again.  This time he looks close to tears.  I listen, his wife I am assuming is complaining about money.  I hear him mention $15, $20 and then$25 dollars.  I think to myself could he need the money?  If he is about to cry and the holidays are here maybe I should just give him the money?

So he makes arraignments to borrow money off of Stan their neighbor with the woman on the phone and hangs up.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man’s head hang so low.  I felt awful for him.  So I reach into my pocket pull out $25 and walk over to him.  I left behind my agate…I told him I was sorry for eavesdropping on his phone conversation and handed him the money.  

He tried to tell me what was going on, but I told him that he didn’t need to explain to me unless $25 wasn’t enough then I could give him more.  He shook his head and smiled at me told me it was enough.  I smiled at him said there is always someone with bigger plans than ours I hope somehow I fit into yours today.  I wished him a Merry Christmas and said God Bless and walked out the door.

I haven’t been back to my favorite spot since then, that was the week before Christmas.  Should I be nervous about bumping into him again?  I don’t want him to think I was taking pity on him.  I genuinely was filled with the Christmas spirit and felt compelled to give him the money.
I’m nervous i hope it all turned out ok.

My Anxiety Filled Weekend….

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I had to face my social anxiety head on yesterday.  My kids talked me into coaching their basketball ball team this year.  I was very hesitant about saying yes, but they are probably not going to play again after this year and I wanted to make it special.

The practices haven’t been bad up to this point.  We meet, practice, I talk to the kids parents and we go home.  Simple huh?  

But, today I had to coach them through a game.  A whole game.  I haven’t sat or even watched a game since I played my last game in college.  I never looked back, 15 years and never looked back.

So it’s been a bit emotional.  Watching my girls place what could be their last, first game.  My first game coaching….. Wow… Then my parents were both there, I watched my mom cry from the sidelines and I finally understood why she loved my games when I was young.  From the perspective of being a mom I finally understand.

We traveled after the game to my niece’s birthday party, which my brother, and I’m not sure why, but they didn’t leave to travel to the destination we were at till it was time for the party to start.  So it was nice of them to be an hour and a half late to chuckie cheese hell.  

My god… That…. place…. sucks.  

S…U…C…K…S…

Hundreds of running children, stressed out parents chasing them and hateful employees dealing with them all.  I wanted to run, hide, anything to get away.  We were there for nearly four hours….FOUR….HOURS… In this mad house called hell… oh I’m sorry I mean Chuckie Cheese.

The last thirty minutes was pivotal I was dashing and diving trying to find my two girls, getting their tickets counted was, to say the least, a nightmare, and getting prizes picked out.  Cheap ridiculous prizes of novelty.

I shamelessly attempted at one point, in the ten deep line to cash in tickets, to bribe my children with cash in exchange for their tickets.  Apparently my $100 bill wasn’t as appealing as a sparkling ruler, fake tattoos and a sucker.  

Alas I’m $200 dollars richer today than in my hasty attempt at departure nearly left me without last night.

I was so close to ripping someone’s head off, it was not my brightest moment with my family.  I was snippy and just an out right arse hole.

I Thanked God so many times for getting me out of there and then remembered his verse he sent me at the cash register on Friday morning where we ate breakfast at the local diner. “Cast all your anxiety on me.” (Peter 5: 7-9) It says more than that but, I summarized it for you… You are more than welcome to look up the actual verse.

I may have remembered it a little late and realize it could have been helpful had I not been stressing so much.  I would have definitely had much more fun if I were able to cast my anxiety aside.

Finally I make my way home and into today. First thing this morning, coffee pot broke, as if I can function without coffee.  I walk to my parents… I’m drinking coffee… Dad walks in…

 “Hey you see what I gave you?”

“Gave me?”

“Yea, brought you the first shotgun I ever gave your papaw.”

Waterworks… Crying…. Ugh…. Seriously… Coffee is half drunk…. Now full of tears…

“Uh no, Thanks Dad.” 

I walk over to pretend to inspect the gun….A nice Winchester Shotgun…. As I am Choking back sobs.  My mind is racing thinking of the significance that this gun symbolizes.  Why is my dad distributing his possessions?  Especially ones that was his father’s?  I don’t ask, I try to regain my composure, coffee forgotten. Does he think he’s dying or something?!?!? He’s not dying…Good Lord I can’t handle the thought of my Dad dying.  I can’t even face it… My chest gets tight… It hurts…

My daughter walks in saves me from speaking anymore.
I find my coffee as my dad is now distracted by my spawn.  She’s already wild as a buck this morning.  I stare at my coffee for a long time avoiding eye contact with anyone…. I come up with a plan to go out with my husband and escape the day.   

I don’t think I can handle anymore surprises. I leave, walk back to my house, I trip because I’m clumsy… Seriously… Today is just not the end to my weekend that I desired.  

Retail therapy helped… But not with what I need.

I might buy a puppy…. Train it to love on me when I cry.  Is that even possible?

I don’t know… I’m rambling now… I guess better go to bed…
This message is unorganized… And rambles… I apologize now for whomever reads this….but my brain is off kilter at the moment.