Political Vagina Garbage

So I’m going to try this talk-to-text thing because I don’t have time to sit down at my computer and actually do anything for me right now. 

So as I was driving today, it’s already at 7:57 a.m. and I’ve been driving for I don’t know 45 minutes now. I drove my kids to school and I’m driving to another location that’s an hour and 20 minutes from my kids school. 

Apparently I am incapable of doing our taxes because I have a vagina. And with that in mind I started thinking about the women’s protests and how they’re wearing these stuffed vaginas on their head but seriously they are wearing a vagina on their head and going topless…. okay…. in there protests and there’s something about that I just find absolutely hilarious…. let’s go have a March for women…. to empower women…. with a giant vagina on our head. 

Nothing says to me more then a giant vagina on your head that you’re a f****** moron. 

So then I started thinking about the people actually reporting the news that are at these gigantic marches for women’s rights….totally not my march… but at these huge women marches…they have these reporters who actually have to interview these women with giant vaginas on their heads….I think it’s hilarious.

Now imagine this I’m going to give you a hypothetical scenario and it’s just one of those random thoughts that go through my head. What if this reporter was interviewing this random woman with a vagina on her head topless shouting you know women’s rights…blah blah blah… whatever it is they say at these marches… so here we go.

Begin Scene:

Reporter: So do you feel that the stuffed vagina on your head with panties on it is more empowering than the stuffed vagina on the other woman’s head with no panties?

Woman with panties stuffed vagina on head: So I thought that if I sewed on panties to my stuff vagina hat that it would display a more modest version of my hat. 

Like other people are just going around wearing their vagina hats just showing it all you no… There’s no….no modesty whatsoever just wearing the vagina and letting everyone see it… so I thought that if I actually sewed on my vagina hat with panties it would show a more decent version a more modest and just really more appropriate if there were children around at the protest.

And I just thought it would be more I don’t know modest. (She says this as she stands topless talking to the reporter.)

Reporter: So what you’re saying to me is that you think the stuffed vagina on your head looks more modest with panties sewn onto it while standing here, toplessly, protesting?

Topless woman: Yes of course. I mean how could it not show a sense of decency to have panties sewn onto my stuffed vagina hat. It just looks better and it has a bit of fashion with it because they’re lacy… I sewed on lacy panties.

Reporter: Stares at topless woman with lacy panties vagina hat on her head and in utter disbelief turns and looks at the camera with his live audience watching him… he is speechless and decides to walk away.

Topless Woman: Hey!  Do you want me to make you one?!?

End Scene:

That’s my take on the whole hypothetical scenario of topless panty girl.

Topless…vagina hat… Do you seriously think anyone is going to take you seriously…f****** stuff on your head honestly who’s brilliant idea was it to wear a stupid f****** vagina hat for a f****** protests for women’s rights all that does is make us look like a bunch of stupid women like we’re stupid.

Honestly if I saw a man wearing a giant penis on his head in protests for gay rights that would just make me think he’s a f****** dick.  

Like he’s a damn dumb dick head that’s exactly what it would make me think.

So now the whole world sees women Marching for women’s rights and the only thing that I can think of is that they’re f****** cunt heads. Cunt headed women because they have f****** vaginas on their heads.

Stupid… stupid…left-wing liberal women, no modesty, no decency, no intelligence or common sense rather.   I’m sure they’re very intelligent women they just don’t have any f****** common sense and rant.

Perception

Life goes on… With or without the ones you love, the ones you need, the ones you want. 

Life is ruthless. 

There is no mercy.  

It is no-holds-barred.

Life is hard.

Life will beat you down.

It…will…rip people away from you without notice, without reason, without batting an eyelash.

Life gives you people to love, care for, look forward to seeing everyday. 

Then it rips them from you like a baby from its mother’s womb.

The nastiness of life is bittersweet.

It’s sweet because it gives you people to love, care for and look forward to seeing everyday.

It’s sweet because each second is a blessing, a gift, a wonderful decadent piece of chocolate.

Life can be as beautiful as it is ugly.

Life is wonderful I’m the sense that sometimes if you are lucky it gives you a person to share it with, to grow old with, to have a children with.

It’s all how you choose to perceive your path.

I choose to live.  

I choose to live each second like it’s my last.

I choose to love fiercely without restraint.

I choose to love every person that comes into my life for a lifetime.  Regardless of who they are, who they love, what they look like or what they stand for.

Every person is sent to you for a reason.

Cherish them and every moment you get with them and don’t let a jaded Perception ruin your own.

HOW!?!?!?!

​How….
Look at the simplicity of that little word. 

HOW….H…O…W…

Three letters that stare out at you, taunting you, with expectations.  Expectations that you should know …. HOW!

Think about the use of the word and the scenarios that could be played out with it everyday.

How to pay a mortgage.

How to mow a lawn.

How do I get over the passing of a loved one?

How did I get past my divorce?

How so, you explained it wrong?

How do you look at me and not pay attention to what I say?

How did you make it this far in life?
Seriously, this is the most menacing word in the English language.  The implications alone are daunting.  Because you are just supposed to know….HOW.

I have people tell me all the time, move on don’t dwell. (I thought I had) You should apply yourself to something useful. (I thought I was)   

If I so obviously wasn’t doing these things then HOW do I do them?

If I’m such a big waste of space in life HOW do I become not a waste of space?

This isn’t where I wanted this paper to go, but it is what it is, sorry.

I think if people knew how much I do on a daily basis they would be more responsive, respectful, instead of simply assuming.  

You know what happens when you assume right?  You make an ASS out of U and ME….I think you should know HOW to read between the lines and put that together.

Patience

​Ok so I have to share this because in hindsight it’s pretty funny.  Picture me in Walgreens…dealing with well… Walgreens…my coupon for stuff didn’t work so I had to reapply for it online and of course this takes a whole extra 3-4 minutes.  During this 3-4 time limit I notice an elderly lady get behind me in line…now im not talking 60-70 range I’m talking 78-88 range….
Now I came to the Pharmacy in what I thought was in great preparation for my check-out.  In & Out bam done…no not my luck…so this little old lady is becoming increasingly impatient with each passing second.  And yes, I say second.  She is huffing, puffing, etc because apparently my “rowdy” children are insufferably being children and running amuk around me as I attempt to save myself 150$ dollars.  
With each passing second this little old lady is progressively inching closer and closer to me and then somehow her hand basket is at my heels.  I notice it when i feel a little bump from the hand basket as it hits my heels.  She put it directly in the path of my children so they cant run from the seats I told them to sit in and back to the register where i am standing. (5 Foot gap at most). 

Apparently she thought this was a clever move…my kids just stepped over it because well, they are not toddlers and have hand eye coordination with the capabilities of stepping over objects.
So after several jumps back and forth of kids, and me nearly finishing my coupon application, the old lady has made her way up beside me and ask in the most nasally high pitched hateful voice….
“Can you not just take care of my prescription, while shes doing that, (points to my phone) and send her (points to me) to the back of the line.” 
I look up at her… Eyes wide with shock at the audacity of this little old lady and respond for the cashier. 
“I’m almost done, I think you are capable of waiting for your turn.”  I turn back to my phone and in less than thirty seconds my coupon was submitted and ready to hand to the cashier… But I held onto it for a few moments extra to be a brat.  

At this point my youngest child thought she was going to be a chicken going around clucking and flapping her wings… I told her she made a cute chicken.  My oldests child’s mouth fell open in utter shock… I handed my phone to the cashier pretending not to notice the look of awe from my oldest daughter.

I don’t normally encourage my kids to be bratty… i don’t normally encourage my kids to misbehave in public… But… This…. woman….whom I have never laid eyes on mind you, decided to bark up the wrong tree and errked me on a bad day.  
I usually save this facade of mine for the IRS but hello Sally this lady… Between her huffs, puffs and “could this take any longer” and “oh my gosh” comments..it just got to me today. 
Finally the other cashier (2-3 minutes have passed) decides to ask the lady if she needs assistance… How did the lady respond you ask? Well let me tell ya…
“Well it’s about time, I got in the wrong line, you have already checked out 5 people and this one still hasn’t moved!”  As hateful as you could possibly imagine.
At this point I’ve been really trying hard to keep my mouth shut… I mean this woman is old… Really old… If I use the wrong tone we might have a cardiac event.  So I simply turn to her and gesture with my hand to go to the other line, with a big smile no less. 
I thought she was done… I thought, she’s finally getting waited  on and she will keep her snide rude hateful comments to herself now and stop glaring at my kids and me.  

No… No… No… That didn’t happen…sideways stares…still complaining but she was at least more focused on her problem now that fortunately for karma was more complicated than mine.  
The pharmacist at this point had came to my register.  He was having some issues with the coupon turns out it was a quick fix…. And he resolved my issue.  I couldn’t resist this Golden opportunity… It just presented itself in such prestine magnificence!
I said, “Sir thank you so much for your (look at old lady elevate volume of my voice) PATIENCE. IT IS CERTAINLY A VIRTUE FEW HAVE THIS DAY AND TIME.” I look back at the pharmacist and the cashier and continue.  “I really can’t thank you enough.”. I think at this point my skin is stretched so thin it might year from my smile. 
The pharmacist is talking at this point but I don’t really hear him.  I’m too busy congratulating myself in my head for lecturing the woman on PATIENCE.  I’m just smiling and nodding as if my passive aggressiveness is something to be proud about… I feel the need to do it again so as I try to focus on the words coming out of his mouth.  Sounds like he is asking if I need anything else. 
“No sir, but I can’t stress enough how much your PATIENCE (stare at lady) means to me.  Thanks again.”
I’m maniacally laughing on the inside now because I’m getting long sideways glances.  Oh she heard me and will hear me again and again before i leave…..I can’t laugh yet… Just can’t do it…
So the cashier proceeds to ring me up… Again.. It’s ok at this point I take advantage of every opportunity to demonstrate or say the word patience….I tell her so…
“No worries I’m not in a hurry…I have all the PATIENCE (smile and stare at old lady) in the world.”
The cashier finally processes everything I pay and I’m done.  I can’t resist one last jab because the lady is still standing there her issues nowhere near resolved.  I look at the cashier and smile as I take my stuff…
“I really appreciate your great customer service, your (stare at old lady) PATIENCE, (back to cashier) was above and beyond, Thanks Again.) 

I think she was about to crack up at this point. She wasn’t dumb she knew what I was doing.  I did appreciate her putting up with my snarky comments and rambunctious kids though… It’s tough working customer service.
Thanks for reading my vent…