Perception

Life goes on… With or without the ones you love, the ones you need, the ones you want. 

Life is ruthless. 

There is no mercy.  

It is no-holds-barred.

Life is hard.

Life will beat you down.

It…will…rip people away from you without notice, without reason, without batting an eyelash.

Life gives you people to love, care for, look forward to seeing everyday. 

Then it rips them from you like a baby from its mother’s womb.

The nastiness of life is bittersweet.

It’s sweet because it gives you people to love, care for and look forward to seeing everyday.

It’s sweet because each second is a blessing, a gift, a wonderful decadent piece of chocolate.

Life can be as beautiful as it is ugly.

Life is wonderful I’m the sense that sometimes if you are lucky it gives you a person to share it with, to grow old with, to have a children with.

It’s all how you choose to perceive your path.

I choose to live.  

I choose to live each second like it’s my last.

I choose to love fiercely without restraint.

I choose to love every person that comes into my life for a lifetime.  Regardless of who they are, who they love, what they look like or what they stand for.

Every person is sent to you for a reason.

Cherish them and every moment you get with them and don’t let a jaded Perception ruin your own.

Loss of life entirely to soon :(

Some rather sad news this evening.  A local boy my kids were friends with died of a rare form of cancer.  He loved…lived…for 2 years with this cancer while his parents made him undergo experimental treatment after experimental treatment.

My kids keep asking me… “Why wouldn’t God hell him?”

I thought about it for a moment and this is how I responded.The best I could tell them was….

“That he did heal him, for over 2 years God kept him alive, he had a terminal cancer, he should have been gone in less than 6 months.  Not for this little guys sake though, but for him to help lead people to Jesus and to help his family learn to cope with the loss they will now face”

…. Maybe that will help them deal with the loss, maybe it will help them at school when consoling their friends. 

I can only hope… Please remember this family in your thoughts and prayers.  I can’t possibly imagine losing one of my kids.


Saturday’s Post

So right now I’m just getting totally overwhelmed.  My youngest was promoted in ballet… This means my Wednesdays are now going to be bouncing from one place to another in the span of an hour in different directions. 

It means my baby isn’t a baby!  (Crocodile tears are spilling over my lashes). 

It means my baby, she has a special gift and I can’t deny her the privilege of persueing it, ever.  

It means I have to start letting go… As I am shaking my head from side to side… Screaming no no no no no…

These are tremendous steps for me to take and I am choking back tears trying not to be overwhelmed.

…… I wrote this Saturday and thought I posted it… Guess I didn’t so I will now so that it isn’t in limbo.

Update on my coffee intake… I’ve cut back to two cups every morning and keeping up with my DDP Yoga.  (This is my positive note for this post.)

Extra Frumpy with a side of Grumpy

Extra…super…stressed the frig out….seriously everything is grinding my nerves.  I’ve been trying to maintain my persona but it seems my facade is fading fast.  

My kids are pushing buttons with their snotty little attitudes because something doesn’t go their way.  Random people in traffic are suffering from the wrath of my horn.  Yoga isn’t working, it’s just making my body hurt.  Ive tried meditating….all I see is angry me breaking stuff.

I don’t know what’s going on with my head or why I’m stressing out so bad right now.  Is it because my kids constantly fight?  Isn’t that normal kid behavior?  Is it because they are always whining?  Don’t all kids do this?  So we’ve established normal children behavior, right?

So then what?  Is it money?  Maybe? But we just had a payday.  

Is it to much caffeine?  I had a whole pot yesterday…and a green tea latte for supper.  

I bet it is my caffeine intake…

What are the negative side affects of caffeine?

“The Mayo Clinic state that consuming more than 500-600 mg of caffeine a day may lead to insomnia, nervousness, restlessness, irritability, an upset stomach, a fast heartbeat and even muscle tremors. However, previous research has linked even moderate amounts of caffeine to negative health effects.”Oct 28, 2015

(Caffeine: how does it affect our health? – Medical News Today)

So basically I’m going to trial an error this shatty mood I’ve maintained for the last 3 days.  I’m going to try and cut back caffeine first.  It specifically says it can cause irritability.  I think I’m the poster child for that right now.

So below will be my guidelines:

“Up to 400 milligrams (mg) of caffeine a day appears to be safe for most healthy adults. That’s roughly the amount of caffeine in four cups of brewed coffee, 10 cans of cola or two “energy shot” drinks. Although caffeine use may be safe for adults, it’s not a good idea for children.”

(Caffeine: How much is too much? – Mayo Clinic)

Ideas for making up being grumpy with my kids?  Maybe movies, or movie night with popcorn and hot chocolate after school.  I could clean their rooms for them, but would that show them I’m sorry or show them they don’t have responsibilities.  I’m laughing at myself now…I’m making parenting to hard.  

I think ice cream will be a good “I’m sorry” for being frumpy, it is all on mommy.

Any ideas?  I’m open to them!

I don’t want my kids growing up thinking they done something wrong, because mommy gets stressed out.  My mom done that to my brother and I, her mom done it to her.  My mom was awesome, except when she put to much on her plate.  Then she was grumpy.  I don’t want to be that way.

So my checklist for today:

 4 cup of coffee

 Do something sweet for my kiddos

 Do something positive 

 Think in a more positive way
I think I can do these seemingly small tasks.  I will be sure to write about it if I have any issues arise.

My Anxiety Filled Weekend….

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I had to face my social anxiety head on yesterday.  My kids talked me into coaching their basketball ball team this year.  I was very hesitant about saying yes, but they are probably not going to play again after this year and I wanted to make it special.

The practices haven’t been bad up to this point.  We meet, practice, I talk to the kids parents and we go home.  Simple huh?  

But, today I had to coach them through a game.  A whole game.  I haven’t sat or even watched a game since I played my last game in college.  I never looked back, 15 years and never looked back.

So it’s been a bit emotional.  Watching my girls place what could be their last, first game.  My first game coaching….. Wow… Then my parents were both there, I watched my mom cry from the sidelines and I finally understood why she loved my games when I was young.  From the perspective of being a mom I finally understand.

We traveled after the game to my niece’s birthday party, which my brother, and I’m not sure why, but they didn’t leave to travel to the destination we were at till it was time for the party to start.  So it was nice of them to be an hour and a half late to chuckie cheese hell.  

My god… That…. place…. sucks.  

S…U…C…K…S…

Hundreds of running children, stressed out parents chasing them and hateful employees dealing with them all.  I wanted to run, hide, anything to get away.  We were there for nearly four hours….FOUR….HOURS… In this mad house called hell… oh I’m sorry I mean Chuckie Cheese.

The last thirty minutes was pivotal I was dashing and diving trying to find my two girls, getting their tickets counted was, to say the least, a nightmare, and getting prizes picked out.  Cheap ridiculous prizes of novelty.

I shamelessly attempted at one point, in the ten deep line to cash in tickets, to bribe my children with cash in exchange for their tickets.  Apparently my $100 bill wasn’t as appealing as a sparkling ruler, fake tattoos and a sucker.  

Alas I’m $200 dollars richer today than in my hasty attempt at departure nearly left me without last night.

I was so close to ripping someone’s head off, it was not my brightest moment with my family.  I was snippy and just an out right arse hole.

I Thanked God so many times for getting me out of there and then remembered his verse he sent me at the cash register on Friday morning where we ate breakfast at the local diner. “Cast all your anxiety on me.” (Peter 5: 7-9) It says more than that but, I summarized it for you… You are more than welcome to look up the actual verse.

I may have remembered it a little late and realize it could have been helpful had I not been stressing so much.  I would have definitely had much more fun if I were able to cast my anxiety aside.

Finally I make my way home and into today. First thing this morning, coffee pot broke, as if I can function without coffee.  I walk to my parents… I’m drinking coffee… Dad walks in…

 “Hey you see what I gave you?”

“Gave me?”

“Yea, brought you the first shotgun I ever gave your papaw.”

Waterworks… Crying…. Ugh…. Seriously… Coffee is half drunk…. Now full of tears…

“Uh no, Thanks Dad.” 

I walk over to pretend to inspect the gun….A nice Winchester Shotgun…. As I am Choking back sobs.  My mind is racing thinking of the significance that this gun symbolizes.  Why is my dad distributing his possessions?  Especially ones that was his father’s?  I don’t ask, I try to regain my composure, coffee forgotten. Does he think he’s dying or something?!?!? He’s not dying…Good Lord I can’t handle the thought of my Dad dying.  I can’t even face it… My chest gets tight… It hurts…

My daughter walks in saves me from speaking anymore.
I find my coffee as my dad is now distracted by my spawn.  She’s already wild as a buck this morning.  I stare at my coffee for a long time avoiding eye contact with anyone…. I come up with a plan to go out with my husband and escape the day.   

I don’t think I can handle anymore surprises. I leave, walk back to my house, I trip because I’m clumsy… Seriously… Today is just not the end to my weekend that I desired.  

Retail therapy helped… But not with what I need.

I might buy a puppy…. Train it to love on me when I cry.  Is that even possible?

I don’t know… I’m rambling now… I guess better go to bed…
This message is unorganized… And rambles… I apologize now for whomever reads this….but my brain is off kilter at the moment.

To the Moon Alice!!!

You know I am so tired of people saying, “Be true to yourself”. 

Like what the frik does that even mean.  It’s reminiscent of Shakespeare…. I guess (no sarcasm there) “To thine own self be true”. 

 Whatever man, like you guys gotta know who you are in order to be true to yourself. Typical that some relic would be inspiring people to tell me this…EVERY… FREAKING… DAY…have we met? 

No apparently FREAKING not!  I am a mother I don’t have time to be true to myself.  I have a vicious, awful three letter word event that happens everyday, that I have to do every….stupid….day, it’s called a JOB.  I have ballet, basketball, piano, church, do I need to keep going?  If I were true to myself I’D be at a bar on the beach throwing back jello shots and long island ice tea….BUT NO I can’t do that!!!  I’m a FREAKING MOM…(which I love being a mom)…. Everything I do in my life is for my kids or my teenager. Neither of which appreciate a FREAKING THING YOU DO FOR THEM!!!  

Oh wait, yea unless it’s convenient for them!  I have to be responsible because none of them know that word is in existence… It’s not because I haven’t taught the kids responsibility to do for themselves like I don’t know, take out the trash, or better yet, take their dirty plate to the kitchen sink…. That’s six foot from the table…. Six…foot… One day…. One day I will break the plates… Not really but it’s nice to imagine picking dirty plates up and throwing them on the tiled floor going; Ooops how did that happen?!? With fake exasperation.  

If one more person tells me to be true to myself…. It’s to the moon Alice….

Mom’s

So I’m having an easy go of it today.  My mom came down for a visit.  I love her visits eventhough my kids are incapable of behaving while shes here, i guess that’s a peek of being with Grandma.  

I have horrible anxiety around my mom, not because I don’t enjoy her company but because I know my time with her is becoming limited.  She will be 60 this year, her sister died at 62, her brother at 50, she has two siblings left one older one younger.  My mom isn’t in good health either and I am full of angst while trying to maintain chipper tones.  

It’s frustrating trying to deal with the ugliness of life.  My mom is my best friend.  She’s always the one who I know cares more about me than anyone else on the planet.  She checks on me everyday.  Every morning wishes me luck and prays for safety not just for me but my kids.

What will I do if I ever lose her?  I don’t know.  I know that day will come, but I’m not ready to give her up.  

I don’t know if I ever will be, all I can do is hope that when the day does come I can be sedated.