So I’m having an easy go of it today.  My mom came down for a visit.  I love her visits eventhough my kids are incapable of behaving while shes here, i guess that’s a peek of being with Grandma.  

I have horrible anxiety around my mom, not because I don’t enjoy her company but because I know my time with her is becoming limited.  She will be 60 this year, her sister died at 62, her brother at 50, she has two siblings left one older one younger.  My mom isn’t in good health either and I am full of angst while trying to maintain chipper tones.  

It’s frustrating trying to deal with the ugliness of life.  My mom is my best friend.  She’s always the one who I know cares more about me than anyone else on the planet.  She checks on me everyday.  Every morning wishes me luck and prays for safety not just for me but my kids.

What will I do if I ever lose her?  I don’t know.  I know that day will come, but I’m not ready to give her up.  

I don’t know if I ever will be, all I can do is hope that when the day does come I can be sedated.

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